Relationships: The Key to Emotional and Spiritual Health

Analise* told me she didn’t need anyone in her life. She had isolated herself at home, only leaving when absolutely necessary. When I asked what she wanted to work on in therapy, she said, “I need help overcoming my depression and anxiety.” We worked on processing past hurts and developing coping skills, but I knew this could only take her so far. Even with introspection,  prolonged isolation often provokes symptoms of depression and anxiety. 

We all remember the effects of the COVID-19 quarantines.

We were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26a), who is relational in nature and designed us to be in relationship–with him and with others. Our brains and bodies thrive in relationships and decline without them. Dr. Daniel Siegel, internationally renowned child psychiatrist, provides extensive evidence that relationships are vital for healthy brain functioning and emotional wellness (1). Without personal interactions, we struggle to find a sense of purpose, which correlates with higher anxiety and depression rates (2). Conversely, studies show that increasing personal interactions improves our sense of purpose (3).

Last month, we discussed the importance of self-awareness and how it gives us the insight necessary for emotional healing. While self-awareness opens the door, it is not enough to complete the journey. Adult relationships can create new neural connections required for emotional healing, even if a person has negative childhood experiences (4). Relationships are crucial to both the healing process and ongoing emotional health. 

One study revealed that a person’s sense of self improves more significantly through interactions with others than through self-reflective methods, such as journaling (5). It’s not to say that journaling isn’t helpful, but it does point to the importance of human interactions, even in creating our individual identity. To gain a better sense of who we are, we need to engage with God and with others. 

For Analise, this meant putting in the work both in and out of therapy. In therapy, she processed relational hurts from her past, identified unhealthy relationship patterns, and learned new relationship skills. She needed to recognize her anger and disappointment as her own, and let go of responsibility for others’ emotions.

Simultaneously, she used her newfound relationship skills outside of therapy. She began having small conversations with a neighbor whom she felt she could trust. She used conflict resolution skills in a work situation. Over time, she connected with more people and grew her circle of friends. The combination of therapeutic processing and out-of-therapy connections helped her to overcome her symptoms of depression and anxiety, and build a more meaningful life.

One way to work on building healthy relationships is to start with an assessment of your current relationships. You can do this through an exercise called Circles of Connections.

1. Draw three concentric circles on a page:  the smallest circle in the center (about an inch wide), a medium-sized circle that fills half the page, and a large circle containing most of the space. 

2.  Write your name in the smallest circle.

3.  In the medium circle, write names of people closest to you. 

4.  In the large circle, write the names of acquaintances. 

5.  In the space outside of the large circle, write names of contacts who you know, but not well. 

The medium circle should only contain a few names. You can’t have too many people closest to you, but you do need some people in that space. If the space is too full, consider prioritizing some relationships over others. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. Who might you need to step back from? Who might make a better acquaintance than a close friend? If the space looks empty, consider people in the larger circle who you can bring into this space. Who can you spend more time with? Who might make a better friend than an acquaintance?

Our circles of connections are constantly changing. In the face of a significant life event (e.g. death of a loved one, trauma, etc.), these circles can shift dramatically. Look for those you trust and reach out. Meet someone for tea or coffee. Perhaps you realize the relationship is fine just as it is. Or, you might connect and find the need for stronger boundaries, or you might realize the relationship has potential to grow. 

Relationships are vital for emotional and spiritual health. Take some time and reflect on your relationships. Is there someone you would like to connect with this week? Give it a chance! Then, reassess your Circles of Connections in a few months. You may find that positive relationship changes are possible in your life.

*Fictitious client with a plausible story

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(1) Daniel J. Siegel, The Developing Mind, 3rd ed. (New York: The Guildford Press, 2020).

(2) Ian D. Boreham and Nicola S. Schutte, “The Relationship Between Purpose in Life and Depression and Anxiety: A Meta‐analysis,” Journal of Clinical Psychology 79, no. 12 (August 12, 2023): 2736–67, https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.23576.

(3) Gabrielle N Pfund et al., “Being Social May Be Purposeful in Older Adulthood: A Measurement Burst Design,” American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry 30, no. 7 (November 23, 2021): 777–86, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jagp.2021.11.009.

(4) Siegel, The Developing Mind, 362.

(5) Namkje Koudenburg et al., “The Social Grounds of Personal Self: Interactions That Build a Sense of ‘We’ Help Clarify Who ‘I’ Am,” European Journal of Social Psychology 54, no. 6 (May 6, 2024): 1153–67, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.3070.